


Say Goodbye to the World You Thought You Lived In

by MellytheHun



Series: Kylux Angst November [12]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Canon Compliant, First Kiss, Heavy Angst, M/M, Sharing a Bed, Star-crossed, Tragedy, Tragic Romance, tumblr event
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-09-02 13:20:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8669206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MellytheHun/pseuds/MellytheHun
Summary: Day Twenty-Seven of Angst November: Failure





	

**Author's Note:**

> _“You love him,_
> 
>  
> 
> _you do,_
> 
>  
> 
> _and here’s the miracle:_
> 
>  
> 
> _he loves you too._
> 
>  
> 
> _You are allowed_
> 
>  
> 
> _to lick off the colour from his lips_
> 
>  
> 
> _to listen to the hymns in his pulse_
> 
>  
> 
> _to bask in the sunlight of his voice_
> 
>  
> 
> _You are allowed_
> 
>  
> 
> _to have him..._

When Kylo blearily opens his eyes, his face is stinging, his shoulder is burning and his side feels like some great big beast took a bite out of it – if it weren’t for the hefty pain he felt there, he’d feel lighter from the actual flesh-loss. 

Every inch of him feels bruised and where his strings to the Force are usually pulled taut and tight, they feel slack – all of his powers feel dampened and fatigued. He turns his throbbing head slightly against the stiff med bay pillow and sees Hux on a chair next to his bedside, already looking at him.

His hair is unkempt, which is odd and off-putting – Kylo is unused to seeing Hux disheveled. His uniform jacket is hanging open, he’s got wraps around his forearms and neck and he looks ten standard years older than the last Kylo saw him. Kylo’s powers may be weak and tired as his body, but he can sense Hux’s insomnia. There are lines under his eyes that Kylo is pretty sure weren’t there before, but he’s questioning his memory now.

He’s questioning everything now.

“You got me.”

“Yes,” Hux replies simply, his chin in his hand and his elbow propped up on his knee, “I did.”

“I’m assuming you’re expecting some sort of show of gratitude?”

“Hardly.”

Silence crawls between them and Kylo thinks it’s the drugs being pushed through his veins that’s making him so lax, but he’s too numb and too overcome to mind it. He struggles to move his arm, but when he can, he gestures toward Hux’s wrappings and asks, “what happened?”

“Burns,” Hux answers, still not taking his eyes off Kylo, “We lost two Officers recovering you – I doubt you remember the scramble. There was about as much wildfire as there was snow by the time I got to you. I was treated for some smoke inhalation and burns. I’m fine otherwise.”

Before Kylo can degrade himself by actually thanking Hux for saving him (and to his own personal injury, apparently), he says thoughtlessly, “not for long, though.”

Rather than dramatically turning on his heel or barking back something cutting, Hux’s face remains passive, aloof and he agrees, “no, not for long.”

Shutting his eyes, Kylo tries to move through Hux’s head, but even spreading himself through the air of the room is demanding. He can’t conceal himself at all – Hux feels him immediately, but makes no complaints and doesn’t order him to get out. Hux surrenders to him as he seems to be surrendering to everything at once.

“Of course,” Kylo mutters to himself, reluctant to open his tired eyes again, “Snoke. You think Snoke will kill you now.”

“Mm,” Hux confirms drily. 

There’s more silence that follows – it’s not as uncomfortable as it once was between them, but several standard years sharing a ship together can do that to anyone. Their silences haven’t been uncomfortable for some time, but their silences have never been as companionable as this before either.

As a way of saying ‘thank you,’ without actually being forced to say it, Kylo tries to see Snoke’s motives or feel his presence or intentions through the Force – so he can report to Hux whether or not he really will die. He’s too weak, though – he can’t even sense Snoke’s energy, which is alarming only because it’s such an enormous and powerful one, the absence of it is as distinct as its active presence. 

No visions come to him, no Knights reach out for him (that he can feel, anyway), he can’t sense Snoke and he honestly isn’t sure whether or not Hux will die. Hux is a very smart man, though and if he is certain he’ll die for this failure, then Kylo would put his credits on that – as much as he’s hated Hux before, he’d always put his credits on Hux.

Slim, compulsive and sanctimonious Hux may be, but he’s clever, efficient and lethal as well. Kylo didn’t always respect Hux, but just as their silences grew comfortable and familiar, time proved an interesting adhesive – he’d find himself beside or defending Hux no matter the circumstances, no matter whether he liked the man or not. He trusts Hux. 

He didn’t panic on Starkiller because he knew Hux would come for him – it’s what Hux does. Hux wouldn’t leave him behind and he wouldn’t have left Hux behind either. Kylo is fairly sure that Hux is resentful for having to save him at all and he’d feel the same were he in Hux’s situation, but that doesn’t negate the intention. What Hux or Kylo might feel after they’ve done what they do for one another is inconsequential – what matters is that they act and act quickly for each other. 

Alliances are simple things – one hand washes the other, a back is scratched and the gesture is returned. They don’t have something so simple as that and Kylo isn’t sure why that is. They were _supposed_ to have an alliance, after all – they were supposed o be allies, associates and not much else.

An ally might avenge Kylo’s death but it’s not necessarily an ally that throws themselves into fast-deteriorating planet cores to _hopefully_ come in time to save his life. 

He’d never dare accuse Hux of being his friend, but he’s more than an ally. Kylo doesn’t know what else a friend is supposed to be – he trusts Hux and he has operated under the assumption that friendship is all that is; expressed and continued trust. 

‘Friendly,’ is not something anyone would call General Hux, however and Kylo doesn’t feel right calling Hux his friend anyway. Hux is Other. Hux is More. 

And Hux will probably die for that very reason.

Kylo chooses to keep his eyes closed, too drugged and too weak and too tired to fight the instinct. 

“When I killed Han Solo, I felt Leia Organa,” Kylo announces suddenly, extending some demented olive branch he isn’t even sure he wants to extend, “I felt her agony through the Force. I felt it all when he fell.”

“Can you feel it still?”

“No,” Kylo answers, surprised Hux entertained his bleak conversation at all, “… can hardly feel anything right now.”

“I envy you,” Hux admits with a sigh, combing a hand through his dry hair, “The drugs are good, but I was needed in command. I’d have liked to stay in bed, I think.”

Opening his eyes again, Kylo stares at Hux strangely, “… then what are you doing here?”

Lights dance in Hux’s eyes and they’ve always done that, the lights just never seemed important before. Perhaps it’s that Kylo trusts Hux’s evaluation and so believes their time is limited and he’s taking notice of these things for that reason. He’s never really noticed how light and feathery Hux’s eyelashes are, how high his cheekbones are or how white his teeth are. It never seemed important before.

Hux’s face is still carefully stoic and he holds Kylo’s intense gaze for a few heavy beats before he readjusts his seat and replies, “everything is in order. My shouting and pacing will do little for the crew now – I’m not needed there anymore. Or at least not urgently.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

With a long-suffering sigh, Hux holds his forehead in both hands, curling over his knees with his face tilted down to the floor.

“I don’t know, Ren. I thought I might be able to fall asleep here or something. I don’t know.”

“Beside me?”

He feels Hux’s glare more than he sees it. 

He moves his pale, sore arm out from under the blanket and puts his hand within Hux’s line of vision. He waits for a reaction and watches closely as Hux stiffens up, exudes confusion, then understanding and then more confusion. He doesn’t meet Kylo’s eyes as he allows Kylo to wrap his spidery fingers around the wrist that Kylo has never seen exposed from Hux’s uniform cuff before. 

He pulls and Hux follows, allowing himself to be moved from his seat and when Kylo moves to the far side of the bed, Hux understands, but is in some bizarre state of disbelief. He stares at the reserved spot for him for a few counts, then seems to surrender to the powers that be and climbs onto the bed, accepting the absurdity of what the last of his life has turned into.

“Did you get any sleep?” Kylo asks, his voice lower and softer than he meant it to be.

Hux shakes his head as much as he can while lying on his side, then finally finds Kylo’s eyes again.

“No. Your blood pressure is all over the place. You’d have a heart rate of eighty-six beats per minute and then within the span of two minutes, it would spike to one-forty. I was rather worried you were having a heart attack and the anxiety kept me up.”

“Sorry.”

Hux doesn’t accept the apology – he looks at Kylo strangely, actually. To be fair, it’s the first time Kylo’s apologized to Hux for anything and neither are well-equipped for this sort of social interaction. He thinks to himself that he’s probably not just apologizing for causing Hux recent anxiety. Hux seems to think that as well.

“Doesn’t really matter,” Hux mumbles, his eyelids looking heavy, “I’ll be in an eternal sleep soon enough. Won’t have to worry about taking in wayward Force-users or watching over their erratic pulses then.”

Macabre has always suited Hux; Kylo doesn’t say that, though. He smiles weakly and Hux rolls his eyes, but smiles back. 

“I’m tired, but I’d… I don’t know,” Kylo starts, his brow furrowing as his eyes flicker back and forth between Hux’s, “I feel as if it’s leaving you behind or something. If you’d… with enough transferred energy, I could steal your consciousness from you – make you sleep dreamlessly.” 

Intrigued by that notion, Hux quirks a brow and asks, “I assume you’ll literally be taking energy from me?”

“Only if you’re willing to offer it.”

Sharp as ever, Hux understands and Kylo isn’t impressed – Hux is a genius and he stopped being impressed a while back. He expects it now and he’s glad to have some consistency in his life. 

Maybe there is something to be said for order and regulation. Hux embodies it and if there were any peaceful moments of Kylo’s life (though Kylo can’t remember any off the top of his head), he thinks they were likely with Hux. 

“You used to go into my head,” Hux starts without prompting, “I could never figure out the pattern – sometimes I’d be on the bridge, sometimes it’d be in a conference or I’d just be falling asleep… I’d feel you, but you’d never do anything.”

“That’s what you’re curious about?” Kylo asks, a smirk pulling his lips up to the side, “We’re being entirely candid for once and that’s the question you have for me?”

When Hux opts not to answer, Kylo makes some cross of a sad sigh and a laugh and then explains, “it’s quiet. Your mind is organized and… hyperaware, even anxious sometimes, but it’s more peaceful than being in my own. When I couldn’t bear my own, I’d stay in yours for a while.”

“Seems rude not to ask for permission,” Hux chides, “And you could have at least asked me to dinner first.”

That startles a laugh out of Kylo and Hux looks irritatingly pleased with himself. 

Kylo isn’t impressed, not expectant either – he’s such a mess, really, he’d like to go into Hux’s head now if he had the power to. 

“I’m worried that when I wake again, you… won’t be here.”

Kylo means that in more ways than one.

“In all likelihood, I won’t.”

Hux knows that.

Hux makes a small, barely audible noise when Kylo tightens his grip and laces their fingers. It’s a vulnerable noise and Kylo regrets the time he could have spent with Hux that he didn’t – there are noises Hux makes that Kylo has never heard and will never have the chance to hear. That means there are words Hux has never said, combinations of thoughts Hux has never articulated or even had in his own mind that Kylo will never have the chance to experience. 

Kylo isn’t one to regret much, but this, he regrets. 

“I think living will be a lot less interesting without you.”

Caught off-guard by the sentimentality of it, genuine flattery and something else unnamable settles in Hux’s icy eyes. His fingers twitch a little between Kylo’s, like he might be fighting the instinct to match the strength of Kylo’s grip. Kylo watches closely as Hux’s high cheekbones fluster.

“It’s energy you need?”

Kylo nods, wishing he knew more to say to Hux – maybe words of comfort or anything of substance, really. He’s coming up blank, though and time is no longer a soft landing pad for silence and it’s no longer an adhesive. It’s a straight-jacket binding his torso and it’s weights on his ankles and it’s the water he’s trapped beneath. 

When Hux bumps their noses together, Kylo hears his own heart monitor start beeping wildly. Before he can ask what’s happening, Hux presses his full, dry lips against Kylo’s and takes Kylo’s first kiss.

Kylo’s fingers dig into the spaces between Hux’s, his body going stiff but blood turning hot. Hux licks Kylo’s lips and, trusting Hux, Kylo lets his lips be parted – the fevered satin of Hux’s tongue against his makes him gasp, makes him inhale through his nose sharply. Spurred on by the sound, Hux tugs Kylo closer to him, touches his knees to Kylo’s and adjusts his angle, encouraging Kylo’s tongue to run against his.

The heart monitor would be distracting if Kylo could hear it properly over the blood rushing in his ears. 

When Hux pulls back, it’s only enough to look Kylo in the eye. Their lips are still touching and every nerve in Kylo’s body is alight – the pain is alleviated and replaced with adrenaline and buzzing clarity. 

Hux’s brows pull in as he takes in Kylo’s expression and he asks more than says, “…that… wasn’t what you meant…”

“I thought you were going to smack me.”

“ _Smack_ you?” Hux asks incredulously, “To transfer energy? When you said a transference of energy, I thought… well, that clearly doesn’t matter, seeing as I thought wrong.”

Power floods back into Kylo’s body, making him less groggy, just a little more aware – 

“You’ve wanted to do that,” Kylo says without a tone of accusation but one of awe, “You’ve wanted to do that for a long time…”

Hux shuts his eyes and darkly jokes, “killing me now would be fine.”

Kylo kisses Hux then, wishing Hux were under the covers with him, wishing Hux would put his hands on his still-healing body and fill him with more of this – whatever it is. 

_Not sexual energy_ , Kylo realizes – though there’s an element of attraction in what Hux offers up willingly. Deeper beneath that is some repressed and choked affection that Kylo instantly feels undeserving of but wants more of. 

Kissing Hux languidly, Kylo caresses that affection, pulling it to the surface as much as he can before slicing into it and forcing it to bleed – Hux moans against him and it’s part agony, part relief. 

There’s no way for Hux to understand what Kylo’s just done, but Kylo knows what rules he’s broken – forcing emotions to reach supernova, inciting certain ones, repressing others – he felt Hux’s desire and infatuation with him and took it for himself.

 _Hux **wants** me_ , is a strange revelation, but, _…I want Hux back_ , is an even stranger one.

Hux’s eyes are glassy when he pulls away again, his breath is shallow and his heart is pounding – Kylo can feel it where Hux has pressed their twined hands against his chest. When they look at each other, Kylo thinks there isn’t anything left to be said. There are no words that would properly convey any of what’s happened between them now or what they’ve wanted to happen or what will happen next. Words matter little now, if they ever mattered at all.

He can let Hux sleep now and he can sleep too, maybe more peacefully than ever before if Hux is there next to him, secretly adoring him and wanting to kiss him and wanting to be kissed by him. 

Kylo will shut his eyes, but when he opens them, Hux will be gone and Snoke won’t tolerate questions about the disappearance. Kylo will have trusted General Hux and that’s all that will remain.

Kylo will shut his eyes to a galaxy where someone was capable of caring deeply about him at his darkest and he will open his eyes to a galaxy where that someone is gone. 

Kylo’s voice trembles when he asks, “…you want to sleep?”

Closing his eyes, Hux collects himself, breathing in deeply and attempting to slow down his heart. It doesn’t work.

When he opens his eyes again, he stares into Kylo’s for a long while before murmuring, “thank you.”

Like Kylo’s apology, it seems to be gratitude that spreads over a multitude of space and time. Kylo nods because speaking is too difficult and then he kisses Hux again, sweetly, chastely; Hux returns it. Then Kylo raises his hand to Hux’s temple and waits for Hux’s body to quickly slacken against the bed as all his conscious mind is turned off.

He kisses Hux once more before falling back into sleep himself; the reservoir of energy he created through Hux’s adoration being used up immediately. Before he sleeps, though, he tucks himself into Hux’s mind one last time to appreciate the quiet, controlled ease of it all. 

He knows that when he wakes, that peace, that adoration he so briefly met – it will all be gone. He knows that because he trusts Hux and that is the best mistake he has ever made.

**Author's Note:**

> _You love each other,_
> 
>  
> 
> _you do,_
> 
>  
> 
> _and here’s the tragedy:_
> 
>  
> 
> _it’s not enough._
> 
>  
> 
> _You are allowed_
> 
>  
> 
> _to watch the sun swallow him whole and burn him up_
> 
>  
> 
> _to stain your fingers to the bone holding him together_
> 
>  
> 
> _to count the constellations in his eyes as they blink out_
> 
>  
> 
> _You are not allowed_
> 
>  
> 
> _to save him.”_
> 
>  
> 
> You can love him, but you can’t keep him, by [j.p](../../../../Applications/Microsoft%20Office%202011/Microsoft%20Word.app/Contents/pencap.tumblr.com)
> 
>  
> 
> Angst November has been so much fun! Thank you for all of you that stuck around for the pain!! <3


End file.
